...And Then Go Again, To The Next Further Removed Level Of That Same Exact Feigned Humility

Sometimes it can be very scary to look inside yourself.  If you're anything like me, there is a person that you would like to be and hope to be, but upon inward inspection that person is rarely found.  Often, I feel like an actor playing some great role called "life", because I feel like I know so little about myself.  It seems like the person I think I am and the person that people think and say I am are two entirely different people.  There is constant inner turmoil because, for the first time in my life, at The River, I have to come to terms with what is happening inside of me so I can love people outwardly.  What I see in my heart is selfishness, indignance, and judgementalism.  These things need to go.  

It's not like I can't love anyone with these vices running through my heart, I find it easy to love the people who I consider my friends.  However, there are levels of love and sacrifice that I feel I can't achieve until I let myself succumb to complete selflessness.  

A piece of myself that I have lately begun to notice and grieve over, is my knack to compare myself to people, positively and negatively.  I was raised in a way that certain moral ideas come easily and I don't see grey area in my life around them.  Smoking pot, abortion, having sex before marriage, homosexuality are things that I have always been taught are wrong, no ifs, ands or buts.  As of late (last 2 years or so), I have begun to understand God's grace to a small degree (because I know I will never fully grasp it).  It's taken a minute, but I do know that these things are argued over and are big deals to some Christ followers.  This has added grey area to me over these things, forcing me to look again at everything I have been taught.  My point in telling you this is that my selfish heart will still try to find solace for the things that it is doing by saying, "at least I'm not doing those things"or "at least I'm better off than that person.".  This goes off in my head almost as a reaction to hearing about someone or seeing someone doing something that I choose not to do or haven't done.  Even though, the things that I do and think about are still devastatingly wicked.  Honestly, I have seen this as a problem and am trying to focus on stopping, until then God's grace is sufficient.  

On the flip side of that, I also compare myself harshly with my friends.  From speaking with other friends about this, I think it's pretty common.  It can destroy community, though.  I find myself becoming bitter and jealous of my friends because of the way that they are or what they have accomplished.  I can end up not wanting to be very social on account of this introspective judgement and usually if I'm hanging out with someone who I am envying, I go into a little shell of self-pity.  How pathetic is that?!  This is also something that I have pinpointed and am trying to work on through grace.

 I hope (know) that you, my community, will show grace upon me as well, as I strive along with you to become who I was made to be.  It seems like Paul, who called himself the "Chief of Sinners" and had a constant thorn in his side, understood what it was like to fight toward an unlikely goal.  

Remembering our chains.

Jason.