The other night during the eucharist when everyone was confessing, I couldn't find the right words at the time. If I could have, I would have spoken about my dissatisfaction with life as of lately.
I remind myself... I actually have a job in the midst of these grueling economic times, and opportunity to attend a fairly incredible school to receive an education. But all I find myself doing is complaining.
"My job takes up too many hours of my time.. I hate school... I don't even know what I'm doing with my life.. This all feels like a huge waste of time."
It's extremely unfortunate.
I'm swarmed by the most incredible people in the world. That's enough for me right now.. and I honestly hope that never changes, but it makes it tough for me to suck it up some days and deal with the war I'm at with figuring out if some worldly things really are for me. I find myself wrestling with contentment in my actions.
I was raised by two fairly traditional parents. Naturally, I always planned on graduating high school, attending a college for four years and then moving on to the next chapter, which mostly pictured me with a steady, pretty typical job.. probably married with 2 kids.. white picket fence, blah blah blah. Things have definitely changed since high school. I am completely changing my views on my future almost every day. I'm ok with that. I'm 22. I guess it's "normal". But it makes dealing with the passing time very difficult sometimes. I usually remind myself.. It's only 2 more years of your life. People your age do it every day. Possibly stick it out just to honestly not deal with the wrath from my family. I know they just want the best for me, and care about my well being.. and graduating with a degree typically helps a person be in a more financially stable condition.. especially for someone who's not so distinct on a certain life plan. I had always wished I could have that one extreme passion that decided your major and education plan for you. I recently reached a place where I have finally accepted that I don't have that advantage.. and it's ok. I want it to make the ride even more beautiful. I want to be content with not knowing, and relying more on God to lead me. I want to be in a place where I'm treading through these last few semesters of school and part time job with a responsible and grateful attitude.
I just know that I have realized more than ever, now that I've spent time at the River and with all of you, that my heart has a burning desire for missions. Any type, really. Just helping the helpless in general. I'm excited to reach a point of acting on this desire. I hope that it will be my driving force for something huge one day. I believe that it will be.. or something close to that nature.
I have found MuteMath's song "Progress" to be my theme song these days. Listen to it if you never have before. Incredible.
Pulling your confidence through
Some courage is well overdue
I believe solely in all your promise
Why waste a second in doubt
You could be helping you out
Keeping your head in the clear
Like an instrument for a song
Like the sun for tomorrow’s dawn
Every moment of time’s just an answer to find
What you’re here for, what you breathe for
What you wake for, what you bleed for
Everyone’s counting on you
Save for yourself what to do
Life is a card that you lay down sometimes
To search for the best way of all
Is finding the best way to fall
Keeping your head in the clear
Every moment of time’s just an answer to find
What you’re here for, what you breathe for
What you wake for, what you bleed for
What you hope for, what you live for
What you’re here for, what you breathe for, what you live for
What you’re here for, what you bleed for, what you live for
Oh and also.. my favorite verse as of lately has become Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
I never remembered the passage for some reason, and one night Sam referenced it.. I remembered how much I loved it, went to my phone to text it to myself and it was 6:34. So I've remembered it ever since.
Ain't that just like the Lord?
-Bittems
3 comments:
Beth, you're the man. I really appreciate you and all that you bring to The River. Like I said with Leger, thank you for your heart and willingness to share with the rest of us. You're doing a great job.
I am beyond grateful that I am privileged enough to be on this journey with you, my beautiful sister. Growing with you is an experience I will treasure for always.
Love to the moon and back,
Beth
AHHHHHH SWEET BITTEMS! We love you! thanks for your heart.
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