John Wesley putting on the pressure...

John Wesley once instructed people to "Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, to all the people you can, as long as you ever can."

How can I do good? I am not good by nature, but evil. My doing good depends completely on God, both directly and through His people.

I'm writing this as a confession. I can't do right on my own. I need my community to grow into a more mature person and a kinder person.

I love you all very much. Help me!

-BK

Expectations

From Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge:

“Every woman I know feels it or has felt it. It's an underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is: ‘I am not enough, I am too much, I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, too skinny, not kind enough, too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated.’

The result? SHAME. Pretty much the universal companion of women. Shame has been my constant companion for most of my life. Shame haunts me, waits for me in the dark, nips at my heels and feeds on my deepest fears.

After all, if I was a better, stronger woman (whatever that means), life wouldn't be so hard, right? Why do my days seem filled with only duties and demands?”

For me this rings so true. I have never really felt like I measured up. To God, to myself, to my family, to anyone I know. I don't say this for sympathy, it's just a fact. I have tried to "be" everything to everyone at one time or another. And I have ultimately let everyone down because those expectations are unrealistic. I failed in many ways. I was always DOING because I thought that was being the Proverbial woman. That this was the way I could prove my love for God and my community. We are urged to take every volunteer opportunity to serve at school and church, keep your house spotless, stay late, go in early... Do. Work. Do more. Work more. If you do all these things you can be like those who "have their acts together".
So not true. In fact, even after all this struggling to be everything, all I could hear was:
TRY HARDER.

What happens when you fail? More shame.

It has taken me a long time, but I am realizing more and more that God just wants ME.
I am discovering (after 47 years) that God wants me for ME. Not for what I can do. He just wants my heart. Not for what I think He wants out of me. He created me. And it's okay to be what He created. In fact, that's what I should strive for. He has romanced me from as far back as I can remember. Pulling me to His heart no matter where I found myself. He doesn't require me to be perfect or to fulfill every empty volunteer slot in the PTA. All He really wants is my attention. My worship. My heartfelt service. Not something given out of obligation or fear, just true commitment to Him and my community.

Learning this takes away the shame and fear. Shame and fear are replaced with freedom. Freedom to love God and my community with excitement and joy.

When I really got that deep in my gut, I started to give myself a break. I have to remind myself that I don't have to "perform" or prove myself for Him to love me. I can just be me. Who I am is a good thing. I am who God wants me to be. That's pretty cool.

-Dotty

...And If Ever You Come Near, I'll Hold Up High A Mirror. Lord, I Could Never Show You Anything As Beautiful As You!

Sometimes, God will strike me in some of the oddest places. Almost always, I'm doing, watching, or listening to something that I have no expectation of giving me any sort of spiritual realization. This is one of my favorite parts of His character. I believe that he loves to use any and everything to get our attention. He also really seems to love the element of surprise. You may need to bear with me a bit.

In case you didn't know, I'm a big fan of "Adult" cartoons. Don't take that word and run with it. I don't mean erotic cartoons, but cartoons directed at an older audience, i.e. The Family Guy, South Park, The Simpsons, etc. I just love that an art I enjoyed growing up, has adjusted to my (slightly) more grown-up sense of humor. I really have always had a love for anything that Matt Groening has done. I've been a fan of The Simpsons for as long as I can remember (even though I wasn't always allowed to watch it). Also, more recently, I've really enjoyed Futurama.

I was watching Futurama fairly recently, it was an episode called "Godfellas". In the episode, the robot character named Bender, is shot out of a torpedo tube and forced to float around in space indefinitely. While floating, he makes contact with an asteroid field. One of the asteroids hits him and leaves a film on him, which tiny human-like organisms sprout from. The organisms become civilized and begin to worship Bender as God. Throughout the episode, there are a few expected satirical jokes thrown at religion. Bender chooses a prophet named Malachi to communicate between him and the people and issues "One Commandment" which is "God Needs Booze". Bender begins listening to the prayers of the people, and tries to answer them. Most of the time, inadvertently harming his worshippers.

A small sect of these organisms relocate to Bender's backside and due to their location, he can't hear their prayers. Feeling neglected, the small sect become atheists and start a war with the people around front. Now, this is what caught me. Malachi knows that his demise is imminent, so he cries out, "I will be with you soon, Lord!" To which Bender replies, "But you're with me now."

This was not the first time I had seen this episode, but those two lines of dialogue had never stuck out so much to me before. It seems that so many (too many) believers can get so caught up in "eternity" and the "after-life", that the here and now suffer. There seem to be so many things that Jesus eludes to about living this moment, and TODAY being the day of salvation.

I'm very guilty of this myself. I often tell myself, "someday I'll get on track" or "someday everything will be better" or "at least I know how everything ends". I can't say that these things are bad to tell yourself occasionally, but if these are things that you are repeating to yourself day after day, I think it may be a sign of some deeper issues. I have to realize that I have the ability and the loving support to pick up and change until things are better. I have the ability and loving support to love others until things are better. I have the ability and loving support to pick myself up by the shoelaces and LIVE...TODAY! (You know what the devil's favorite word is? TOMORROW!!!)

At the stone skinny of this, just from watching an episode of Futurama, God met me and told me that whatever I have the desire to change, whatever I have the desire to do, or whatever I feel the need to put down and walk away from, I have everything I need to take the first step. For He and you are with me.

Communal Beauty is deeper than skin

I have a secret (its not really much of a secret)- I LOVE COMMUNITY!

Last January my boys and I went to the Huskers bowl game in Jacksonville. We arrived early and few people were sitting in their seats. the Specific Section we sat in had a Teal blue colored seats, while other seats were dark blue, and others were black or gold. The intent of the color scheme, beyond segrating seats by price, seems to be to display the colors of the Jaguars, the NFL team of Jacksonville. As cool as this looked, it was far from imperfect.

During the game, the stadium was a sea of Red, for the beloved Huskers and their great traveling fans. Red was everywhere. It wasn't only Red, but I'm sure to those watching on TV it looked nearly perfect! Its beautiful. Up close the imperfections of the seats as well as the carefully dressed fans is clearly noticeable, but to those not there, who are back away from the up and close- well- what they see is something beautiful! What is seen is not people from different ethnic backgrounds, not people of various socio-economic classes, not people w/ divided w/ differing political philosophy- but one BIG RED COMMUNITY!

This is the beauty of Community, where things secondary dissipate into a faint background. The Kingdom Community hides, covers the imperfections of it's members ("love covers a multitude of sins"), and as a whole- we are far greater, more beautiful, wonderfully productive than ever could we be alone.

But, lets make no mistake, Community is way more than a group of people gathered together in the same place. Something must unite the Community. Sure its the journey, but the journey has to have the same heart, spirit, love, passion-in order for it to be true community ("how can two walk together unless they be agreed"?).

For The River, that passion, that love, heart, spirit- is Jesus is THE CHRIST, the SON of the LIVING GOD! We don't say it that way (We aspire to Be an Afflux of Authentic Life"), but it is the ROCK that Our Journey, Our Community is built upon.

We unashamedly pursue Jesus The CHRIST. this makes us a safe place for those who seek, journey, ask, doubt. That's what's so beautiful about The River to me and so many others. Its a place where the weak, the vulnerable, the young, the immature can know be safe to ask their questions and find The Way.

I love The River, as I know so many do also. Precisely b/c it is an open community to the sincere seeker of authentic spirituality that embraces all of life.

River, I want to express my undying committment to this Community. God through the Divine Son, The Christ, is doing great things, and we are on the brink of greater things. thanks for journeying for the Dream-to be An Afflux of Authentic Life in Jesus the Christ!