Expectations

From Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge:

“Every woman I know feels it or has felt it. It's an underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is: ‘I am not enough, I am too much, I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, too skinny, not kind enough, too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated.’

The result? SHAME. Pretty much the universal companion of women. Shame has been my constant companion for most of my life. Shame haunts me, waits for me in the dark, nips at my heels and feeds on my deepest fears.

After all, if I was a better, stronger woman (whatever that means), life wouldn't be so hard, right? Why do my days seem filled with only duties and demands?”

For me this rings so true. I have never really felt like I measured up. To God, to myself, to my family, to anyone I know. I don't say this for sympathy, it's just a fact. I have tried to "be" everything to everyone at one time or another. And I have ultimately let everyone down because those expectations are unrealistic. I failed in many ways. I was always DOING because I thought that was being the Proverbial woman. That this was the way I could prove my love for God and my community. We are urged to take every volunteer opportunity to serve at school and church, keep your house spotless, stay late, go in early... Do. Work. Do more. Work more. If you do all these things you can be like those who "have their acts together".
So not true. In fact, even after all this struggling to be everything, all I could hear was:
TRY HARDER.

What happens when you fail? More shame.

It has taken me a long time, but I am realizing more and more that God just wants ME.
I am discovering (after 47 years) that God wants me for ME. Not for what I can do. He just wants my heart. Not for what I think He wants out of me. He created me. And it's okay to be what He created. In fact, that's what I should strive for. He has romanced me from as far back as I can remember. Pulling me to His heart no matter where I found myself. He doesn't require me to be perfect or to fulfill every empty volunteer slot in the PTA. All He really wants is my attention. My worship. My heartfelt service. Not something given out of obligation or fear, just true commitment to Him and my community.

Learning this takes away the shame and fear. Shame and fear are replaced with freedom. Freedom to love God and my community with excitement and joy.

When I really got that deep in my gut, I started to give myself a break. I have to remind myself that I don't have to "perform" or prove myself for Him to love me. I can just be me. Who I am is a good thing. I am who God wants me to be. That's pretty cool.

-Dotty