John Wesley putting on the pressure...

John Wesley once instructed people to "Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, to all the people you can, as long as you ever can."

How can I do good? I am not good by nature, but evil. My doing good depends completely on God, both directly and through His people.

I'm writing this as a confession. I can't do right on my own. I need my community to grow into a more mature person and a kinder person.

I love you all very much. Help me!

-BK

Expectations

From Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge:

“Every woman I know feels it or has felt it. It's an underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is: ‘I am not enough, I am too much, I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, too skinny, not kind enough, too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated.’

The result? SHAME. Pretty much the universal companion of women. Shame has been my constant companion for most of my life. Shame haunts me, waits for me in the dark, nips at my heels and feeds on my deepest fears.

After all, if I was a better, stronger woman (whatever that means), life wouldn't be so hard, right? Why do my days seem filled with only duties and demands?”

For me this rings so true. I have never really felt like I measured up. To God, to myself, to my family, to anyone I know. I don't say this for sympathy, it's just a fact. I have tried to "be" everything to everyone at one time or another. And I have ultimately let everyone down because those expectations are unrealistic. I failed in many ways. I was always DOING because I thought that was being the Proverbial woman. That this was the way I could prove my love for God and my community. We are urged to take every volunteer opportunity to serve at school and church, keep your house spotless, stay late, go in early... Do. Work. Do more. Work more. If you do all these things you can be like those who "have their acts together".
So not true. In fact, even after all this struggling to be everything, all I could hear was:
TRY HARDER.

What happens when you fail? More shame.

It has taken me a long time, but I am realizing more and more that God just wants ME.
I am discovering (after 47 years) that God wants me for ME. Not for what I can do. He just wants my heart. Not for what I think He wants out of me. He created me. And it's okay to be what He created. In fact, that's what I should strive for. He has romanced me from as far back as I can remember. Pulling me to His heart no matter where I found myself. He doesn't require me to be perfect or to fulfill every empty volunteer slot in the PTA. All He really wants is my attention. My worship. My heartfelt service. Not something given out of obligation or fear, just true commitment to Him and my community.

Learning this takes away the shame and fear. Shame and fear are replaced with freedom. Freedom to love God and my community with excitement and joy.

When I really got that deep in my gut, I started to give myself a break. I have to remind myself that I don't have to "perform" or prove myself for Him to love me. I can just be me. Who I am is a good thing. I am who God wants me to be. That's pretty cool.

-Dotty

...And If Ever You Come Near, I'll Hold Up High A Mirror. Lord, I Could Never Show You Anything As Beautiful As You!

Sometimes, God will strike me in some of the oddest places. Almost always, I'm doing, watching, or listening to something that I have no expectation of giving me any sort of spiritual realization. This is one of my favorite parts of His character. I believe that he loves to use any and everything to get our attention. He also really seems to love the element of surprise. You may need to bear with me a bit.

In case you didn't know, I'm a big fan of "Adult" cartoons. Don't take that word and run with it. I don't mean erotic cartoons, but cartoons directed at an older audience, i.e. The Family Guy, South Park, The Simpsons, etc. I just love that an art I enjoyed growing up, has adjusted to my (slightly) more grown-up sense of humor. I really have always had a love for anything that Matt Groening has done. I've been a fan of The Simpsons for as long as I can remember (even though I wasn't always allowed to watch it). Also, more recently, I've really enjoyed Futurama.

I was watching Futurama fairly recently, it was an episode called "Godfellas". In the episode, the robot character named Bender, is shot out of a torpedo tube and forced to float around in space indefinitely. While floating, he makes contact with an asteroid field. One of the asteroids hits him and leaves a film on him, which tiny human-like organisms sprout from. The organisms become civilized and begin to worship Bender as God. Throughout the episode, there are a few expected satirical jokes thrown at religion. Bender chooses a prophet named Malachi to communicate between him and the people and issues "One Commandment" which is "God Needs Booze". Bender begins listening to the prayers of the people, and tries to answer them. Most of the time, inadvertently harming his worshippers.

A small sect of these organisms relocate to Bender's backside and due to their location, he can't hear their prayers. Feeling neglected, the small sect become atheists and start a war with the people around front. Now, this is what caught me. Malachi knows that his demise is imminent, so he cries out, "I will be with you soon, Lord!" To which Bender replies, "But you're with me now."

This was not the first time I had seen this episode, but those two lines of dialogue had never stuck out so much to me before. It seems that so many (too many) believers can get so caught up in "eternity" and the "after-life", that the here and now suffer. There seem to be so many things that Jesus eludes to about living this moment, and TODAY being the day of salvation.

I'm very guilty of this myself. I often tell myself, "someday I'll get on track" or "someday everything will be better" or "at least I know how everything ends". I can't say that these things are bad to tell yourself occasionally, but if these are things that you are repeating to yourself day after day, I think it may be a sign of some deeper issues. I have to realize that I have the ability and the loving support to pick up and change until things are better. I have the ability and loving support to love others until things are better. I have the ability and loving support to pick myself up by the shoelaces and LIVE...TODAY! (You know what the devil's favorite word is? TOMORROW!!!)

At the stone skinny of this, just from watching an episode of Futurama, God met me and told me that whatever I have the desire to change, whatever I have the desire to do, or whatever I feel the need to put down and walk away from, I have everything I need to take the first step. For He and you are with me.

Communal Beauty is deeper than skin

I have a secret (its not really much of a secret)- I LOVE COMMUNITY!

Last January my boys and I went to the Huskers bowl game in Jacksonville. We arrived early and few people were sitting in their seats. the Specific Section we sat in had a Teal blue colored seats, while other seats were dark blue, and others were black or gold. The intent of the color scheme, beyond segrating seats by price, seems to be to display the colors of the Jaguars, the NFL team of Jacksonville. As cool as this looked, it was far from imperfect.

During the game, the stadium was a sea of Red, for the beloved Huskers and their great traveling fans. Red was everywhere. It wasn't only Red, but I'm sure to those watching on TV it looked nearly perfect! Its beautiful. Up close the imperfections of the seats as well as the carefully dressed fans is clearly noticeable, but to those not there, who are back away from the up and close- well- what they see is something beautiful! What is seen is not people from different ethnic backgrounds, not people of various socio-economic classes, not people w/ divided w/ differing political philosophy- but one BIG RED COMMUNITY!

This is the beauty of Community, where things secondary dissipate into a faint background. The Kingdom Community hides, covers the imperfections of it's members ("love covers a multitude of sins"), and as a whole- we are far greater, more beautiful, wonderfully productive than ever could we be alone.

But, lets make no mistake, Community is way more than a group of people gathered together in the same place. Something must unite the Community. Sure its the journey, but the journey has to have the same heart, spirit, love, passion-in order for it to be true community ("how can two walk together unless they be agreed"?).

For The River, that passion, that love, heart, spirit- is Jesus is THE CHRIST, the SON of the LIVING GOD! We don't say it that way (We aspire to Be an Afflux of Authentic Life"), but it is the ROCK that Our Journey, Our Community is built upon.

We unashamedly pursue Jesus The CHRIST. this makes us a safe place for those who seek, journey, ask, doubt. That's what's so beautiful about The River to me and so many others. Its a place where the weak, the vulnerable, the young, the immature can know be safe to ask their questions and find The Way.

I love The River, as I know so many do also. Precisely b/c it is an open community to the sincere seeker of authentic spirituality that embraces all of life.

River, I want to express my undying committment to this Community. God through the Divine Son, The Christ, is doing great things, and we are on the brink of greater things. thanks for journeying for the Dream-to be An Afflux of Authentic Life in Jesus the Christ!

It Takes a Village...and Then Some.

Many times I feel as if life comes down to choices and influences, and this never seems truer than when it applies to the realm of parenting. I confess with fear even as I type this that often I would have gone astray if it were not for the presence of children in my life, and the brutal reality of that fact is that being responsible for other human beings’ development and growth and preparedness for this scary place we call real life is one of humility. I don’t type this believing for one minute that I am humble, as those who know me best understand with great clarity that this is not the case. But what I mean by this is that behind every experience as a parent there is this helpless feeling that this is out of my hands, and yet if it goes awry its sour effects will shape – and in many ways – devastate not only my happiness but the happiness of those in my family. The reason for this is that these children are a part of me and to mess up with them, to not love them the way they were created to be loved, is to ignore the pains of my own life and ultimately is not to love myself or God.

I write this, of course, as the parent of four, and I can honestly say that this endeavor feels very much like a roll of the dice. I don’t mean to say that I believe that this thing called parenting is a luck of the draw, though. What I want to state more aptly is that my heart may deceive me into thinking that I have done well in leading my kids to Christ when I may have altogether missed it. This uncertainty in what to do and what to say and how to go about talking with your kids is very overwhelming at times, because my own need to be rescued from anger and anxiety and various other struggles intersect with my attempt to rescue my kids.

But the reason I write this today is that I need a place to confess my need of community. As someone who was raised to be an individualistic, hard-working American who left home at the age of eighteen and never looked back, this is difficult for me to get. It is difficult, but it shouldn’t be, given the impact of God’s people in my life along the way. My confession however is also a question. And the question is this: Since community is what we were created to be, then how does the community interact with the family and what role does the family play in the community? Another way of asking that is to reverse the question and ask what role does the community play in relation to the family?

I know for some this will seem too simple to even ask, and those are the ones I am probably not asking. But, it seems as if Hillary Clinton (as tainted as she may be in some of her thinking) was onto something when she wrote the title to her book, It Takes a Village. I am not suggesting everything she said was right, but certainly the concept of community/village playing a role in the development of our children is surely not a foreign concept to the Scriptures, as children and parents alike were often held accountable before the entire Community of YHWH under the Torah.

I will only begin to touch the topic of community, however, as I have much to ponder even to know which questions to ask. The real thrust behind this (and where I really want to end up for now) is my daily struggle with being the father that God made me to be. I am at a point where I would gouge my eye out for my children and love them with all of my heart, but often feel as if I am failing. I struggle with this because my kids are growing up (especially my oldest who is now entering middle school), and I feel as if time is slipping out through the proverbial hour glass. I struggle with erecting boundaries for my kids. I do not want to keep them from the world in the sense that I try to isolate them as part of an old world attempt to protect from the evil that is “out there”, but I also don’t want to give in to the cultural demands and just jibe with all that is present. This is an ongoing dilemma and one that I am sure to master in a couple of paragraphs in this blog (jk).

I have been wondering these issues for a while, have been journaling about them, praying about them, and now I am hoping to converse about them, as I need help in this area. I know there are issues in my own life that lead me into difficulties with my children and I am hoping for growth in these areas, as well, but I hope that this will begin to shed light on that, also.

A few nights ago, I sat at the table with Melissa and we shared struggles and fears and thoughts about our kids, but one in specific. We talked for a long time, confessing to one another our shortcomings and mishaps and patterns of sin causing our relationship with them to erode. The following morning I wept on the way to work for one of my children, lamenting that she needs Christ to rescue her from herself as well as from us.

This is my prayer tonight for all of my kids and all of the kids at The River. Thanks for praying this with me and for me. I love you all.

Jason # 2

A Story. A Thank You. A New Chapter

It was a sunny November morning as I remember. If my memory serves me right, it was a typical Florida day. It was warmer than most places in the country with just a slight cool breeze blowing into the window of my undeserved handbuilt over sized room. As I walked through the living room towards the kitchen I could see it written all over their faces. Faces of disappointment. Faces of frustration, and faces of hurt. I remember the feeling in my bones on that particular day. It felt like something was going to break. Little did I know that something had already been breaking, and was finally broken. My friend, the one that I called my best. He followed me into his kitchen. I was just doing my normal morning routine. He asked me with a soft and painful voice, "can we talk". I quickly replied, Sure (very sarcastically). So we had a seat at the kitchen table. A kitchen table that has seen the likes of hundreds of different faces sitting around it's wooden lay out. This kitchen table had been the gathering place of not only a family, but neighbors, friends, family and those who needed a helping hand. I was all of the above but at that moment I was the ladder. My dear friend began to share with me his concern over my life. We'd had this conversation before, but this time it was different and I could see it in his eyes. As he began to try and convey with me the hurt I had caused him I could not handle it. So I did what I do best. I defended myself. With each truth he called me out on, I had another thing to deflect it with, and another and another. Until it was visibly obvious that there was no more getting through to me. I walked away from the table. I walked away from the place where such Love had been given and given and given. I was bitter. I was weak. I was wrong. I remember walking outside and not knowing what to do or where to go. I had just broken the last straw from the one hand that had held on for the longest. Upon realizing this, something inside me died. I knew that the pain I had caused was deeper than I ever knew I could cause. Yet it was true, I had caused it and the pain caused was deep. I went for a walk around the loop. Fresh off of turning 28 a week before. On that long walk I remember asking myself. How did it get here. Why are things this bad and how can they get fixed. My head was hurting from all the turning, and my heart was on fire from the journey. What now God? I asked over and over. I really screwed this up. Me. I caused this and it's ugly. I can't even go back inside and face them. I had become the person I complained about in other people. I had broken things so much to a point that big decisions had to be made. Life changing decisions. I walked back inside and there I saw him again, and I will never forget that face. He could no longer hide the pain I was causing and it was flowing out of him. But I could do nothing. I walked right past and into the cave I had created. There I stayed. Bitter and confused. Almost angry. I knew this was all on me, and I wanted it sent away. How selfish is that. I just wanted to act like nothing had happened and nothing was my fault. Like maybe some how in all of the lies and deception that I created, it was all because I had been dealt a bad hand. When infact I had been given more opportunity than most and I squandered it. Things at that time were low. As dark as I remember dark being. Some how in the midst of the darkest tunnel I had ever trod. There was a light. I start this letter to you all in this fashion because I want you all to know how this journey from then until now has taken place. My wickedness brought much pain and heartache to several people and in the telling of this story I want it to be made known the people that did not let go of my hand.

Through much counseling, grace, and forgiveness I was able to muster up the courage to put my pride on the line. Sam and Jason Grizzard came to me about writing a confession to the entire community. At first I was sick to my stomach over the idea. I knew the way I had mistreated my friends and family, and the thought of confessing all of those things was just too much. I wrestled with it and came up with a very selfish letter that once again deflected the blame away from me and put it all on circumstances. Thankfully Sam and Jason are honorable men who were and are seeking the highest good for me and the River community. They quickly let me know that the first letter I had written was not going to help the situation at all. So upon there further counsel I decided to just let it all out. If you were there that night, I am quite confident you could feel the weight of the situation. It was extremely difficult to sit infront of you and have my confession read aloud to you by a good friend. I could feel so much inside of me screaming. I was quiet on the outside and crying like a child on the inside. And then it happened. One after another, after another after another. You and You and You and You and You, came to me, crying. Telling me you were sending it away, telling me it had already been sent away. Tears in your eyes and lumps in your throats you lined up to hug me and tell me things I didn't deserve to hear. Wow. What could I say, I could feel the embarrassment and pride literally leaving my body. Here was a community that I had for so long claimed to Love and support, all the while spitting on it with my selfish actions. I left that night with a new found hope and motivation. I knew the road forward would not be easy, but because of the Love and support and dedication from you all. I was able to pick up the broken pieces and see that our story together didn't have to end there. In so many ways you all could have given up on me and called it a day. You could have moved on and been better for it. I had given you every right to do so. But yet you stayed true to the vision and you continued to authentically pursue restoration. In the months to follow you were all still right there with me as I tried to move forward and start things a new. I have wanted to say this to you all for a long time, and here is my chance. Concerning the 80's Prom. I want to thank you all so very much for all of your help with the making of the 80s movie and the 80s prom. You could never understand how much your help and support meant to me. Back in April I was still getting my life back together and it meant so much to me that you all would get behind and be a part of such a little idea. In doing so you all made me feel like I have something significant to offer. It was such a joy and honor to be able to show people our sense of humor and show people the different ways we can creatively raise money to seek peace here and abroad. Your messages of love and encouragement really helped assure me that together this community can do some groundbreaking and life changing things in this area for years to come. Now I'm going to take some time to send some Love out to the people that have made this community called The River a place worth calling home. Please read on, this is important.

To: The Grizzards....Jason and Melissa. It doesn't seem like very long ago your family became a part of our community. It didn't take long for you to make a huge impact. Your faith in stepping out to move here is encouraging and it's a great example of how much you Love the Crum family and The River family. Thank you so much for the time you spent with me, helping me get my finances in order. You never made the process difficult for me and you were always open to help me with what ever I was going through at the time. Jason your involvment with the rescue mission is such a great example for our community and it has been a great joy being able to go and be a part of all of those men's lives. Your kindness and willingness to serve others continues to this day. And it is because of that and the Love you have for me and others that I say to you now, It is an honor and privilege to know you and have you and your wonderful family along for the journey. Go Braves! I Love You. We Love You!

To: The Hosbiens....Jeremy and Melissa. So many things come to my mind when I think of you. From the very day I set foot into a River gathering, you have made me feel welcomed and Loved. Your service and commitment to the River has been evident from day one. When I was in need, you stepped in and helped me out. Not only did you help me out, you endured a lot of the weakness I was showing. Jeremy you always do a great job of showing people we want them to be a part of this community. Jeremy and Melissa you are both such a valuable part of the River. Your kindness and Love towards me will not and has not been forgotten. I can't imagine being on this journey without you and your wonderful two boys. I Love you! We Love You!

To: The Halloways....Jake and Cassie. It has been a joy and honor to get to know you and your family over the past 2 years. Little do many people know, but when I needed a job Jake helped provide me with one. Jake you were working two jobs, and when you got off one job early in the morning from working all night. You would come and pick me up and take me with you to work the other job. Thank you so much for that sacrifice, what a great example of community that was to me. Cassie your heart is so genuine and true, and I think we all have witnessed that. It has been such a blessing to watch you grow. Your authenticity is amazing and it is and has been making a huge difference in our community. Thank you for being with The River, and allowing us all the great opportunity to be around your wonderful girls. I Love you! We Love You!

To: Eric Wead....Man oh man. Old School is definately in the house when Eric is in the House. Eric, you are so cool man. I mean that. You are so real and authentic. From the first time I met you until now, I always thought you were unique and gifted. You have such a giving heart and such a passion to see the world changed. You always know way more about music than I could ever know, and that challenges me and others in a good way. You are always concerned with my and others well being. How do I know this? Because every time I see you, you ask how I'm doing and you want to know if you can help in some way. Eric, the river would not be the same without you. I am so glad you are here with us for this long journey. I'm also glad you played my dad in the 80s movie, You nailed it. Go Huskers and Lakers! I Love you! We Love You!

To: Will Hepburn....Big Dj Willy J Style. Dude if Eric is the man, then you are a close second. Seriously Will, I remember a time when I didn't have a car. And what did you do? You talked to your parents and they hooked me up with one. That is amazing. Because of that I have been able to get a job this year and continue to move my life forward. Will, your laugh is legendary and your jokes are often imitated but never duplicated. Your DJ skillz are unmatched. Thank you so much for lending your gift of music to the River. You are always willing to help out with that and thus it allows us to see your God given talent. Will, I've known you for a long time and in the past few years having you at the River has made a huge difference. Thank you for your friendship and your genuine care for me and others. I Love You Man! We Love You Man!

To: Hale....I am not going to list your last name, because I think at this point all of us are not sure which one you go by. Hale you are about as original as they come. Thats a great thing. When you showed up to the Riv almost 2 years ago, I wasn't sure how to read you. I'm still not sure, haha jk. Really though, getting to know you has been a pleasure. You are so talented and have so many new and creative ideas. You are always ready to go and do something that benefits others. When the 80s prom came up, you supplied alot of the props and for the movie 70% of the wardrobe we used was from your closet. You and I have had some great conversations over the years. We have been along the same path in many ways. I am thankful and glad to be on this journey with you and I know the River is better for having you along on the journey. Hang ten Bro. I Love you! We Love You!

To: Beth Taylor....I'm not going to use the River's name for you. Okay I will. Bittems!. You might hold the all time record for bringing friends to the Sunday gathering. If we kept a running chart you would definately have the most gold stars for that. You brought us the King's which we are very grateful for as well. Beth, I think it's very clear you have a very Loving heart. I remember talking to you about the River years ago, and you seemed even then like you wanted to be a part of our vision. Having you a part of the River for the past few years has been a great honor. You have brought much joy to so many of us. Your concern for the local community has always shined through, and your passion for missions is growing stronger. It's amazing how so many people in your life look up to you and go to you when they are in need. Probably because you are such a good listener and friend. Thank you for being my friend and ofcourse thank you for your academy award winning portrayal of Sherry.... 80s movie part 2??.... You bring smiles to a lot of faces at the River. I am so glad and honored to call you my friend. I Love you! We Love You! Bittems!

To: Fillipe....I remember the first time you came to the River. I thought all the youth girls were going to freak out because God had finally blessed them with there very own Jonas brother. Little did we all know we had more than that when you arrived. When I found out you were 19 at the time, I said, "nah come on. He's gotta be 22 atleast." You came to the river and brought in so many fresh and new ideas. Everyone that knowes you, knowes what a gifted person you are. But in so many subtle ways you have shown me and so many others how much you want to use your gifts for the Kingdom. Fil, I straight up respect you and am honored to know some one who is not yet 21 but is striving daily to live out his faith around others. Having you with this community has been a huge lift. I'm glad you are along for the journey. I Love You! We Love You!

To: Jason Leger....The Lead singer of the legendary White Exxodus. Ok thats it. Done. Seriously, man we have come a long way. When I first really started hanging out with you it was around the time that I was first coming to River functions. As I got to know you I wanted so badly for you to be a part of this community. I knew we would all be better for it. Watching our friendship develope into a friendship with the entire community has been very special to me. You are so gifted man, every body knows it. Every one wants to be around you, and why not. You are such a honorable and loyal person. Countless times when I had no car or ride, you would pick me up and take me where ever need be. You are always so willing to put your neck on the line to ease the pain of others. You have listened to me on so many occasions when my heart was broken. There is no way I could imagine being on this journey without you. The River is a much better place for having Jason Leger in it. You are not only my friend, you are my Brother, and I know we are all thankful to say. I Love you! We Love You!

To: The Kings....Justin and Beth. Sometimes I feel like I'm your Son. Haha. Maybe that is because you both have taken care of me in so many different ways. Justin, you are so freakin great man. I mean, Indian/Man/Zelda/Archer/Drummer. What can't you do? The answer is nothing. I Love every time I come over, you always keep me up to date on your latest project. Every time I see you, you always let me know how happy you are to see me. And even though you are really funny, you still can get real with me and talk to me about serious things pertaining to the vision of the River. Beth, in the last year you have become one of my closest friends and sister. You are always concerned about my well being. When I was going through some rough times you were always there if I needed to talk. You helped build up a confidence in me when I thought no one could see good in me. You and Justin mean the world to me. You have shown so many of us what it takes to be a leader. You truly live out the faith you talk about. Justin and Beth, there is no way I could have made it on this journey without you. The River Community has become so much stronger because of the Kings. Beth, having your parents Keith and Dottie with us has been amazing. I have learned alot from both of them. Keith always makes me laugh and want to talk about the Doobie Bros. And Dottie is so creative and darn right Sweet. Oh and Let's not forget Charlie. Charlie, it's quite obvious that every girl wants you. Thank you Beth for bringing them to us. It has been an honor and a blessing to have you and your family with us on this journey. It is with great thankfulness and joy that I say. I Love You! We Love You!

To: The Crums....Sam and Samantha. Where do I even begin. You both personify the vision of the River. You both are living an afflux of authentic life. Every person in this community is better for knowing you and having you in there lives. Their is not a day that goes by when I don't think of your family and the sacrifice you all make so that the vision of the river can visibily be seen. Samantha, I am constantly astounded by your willingness to serve others. You have willingly and graciously opened up your home to me and so many others. During the time I was able to live with your family, I was amazed at how much you sacrifice for the well being of others, for the well being of your kids and the well being of your husband. The honor and support you give to Sam and your marriage is amazing. That example is one that has made a profound impact on my life, and has made me take a new look on the type of marriage I one day will seek. Thank you Samantha. Sam, it all comes down to you man. This thing goes because of so much of the hard work and Love that you have put into it. I am talking about our friendship and I am also talking about the River. From the time I met you, you have always sought after my highest good. You have always cared about our friendship and you have always cared about the River and this area. Your heart is so big man. And way back at the top of this blog I started by telling the story of how I broke you down with all of my weakness and wickedness. Sam, you have long since forgiven me, but the way you did it is worth me sharing to others. You could have pushed me aside and just let me go. I deserved that. But you didn't. You endured all the heartache and the frustration and the pain. And through your loving counsel you showed me how to confess to our community. The community that you help build with your very own Love, kindness, and generousity. It was if you knew that they would all rally around and help pull me out. And they did. Your sacrifice for the Kingdom of Heaven and the Message of Jesus Christ is evident every day. In the way You and Samantha raise your kids and in the way you Love and cherish your wife. Your kids have always put a smile on my face, and they seem to be growing in many great ways before our eyes. That day I saw you in great pain, I knew that I did not want to see our friendship like that again. Thank you beyond words for the time you put in and have since put in to the restoration of our friendship. You have pushed me to try harder. You have encouraged me to do more. Sam, your more than a brother. I am here today to confess again that this journey back has been tough, I am here to confess that I couldn't do it without you and The River, I am here to confess I am ready and energized to do this again. Sam and Samantha, it is with the uttmost honor and joy that I say, thank you. We are all better for knowing you and witnessing the wonderful living of your life. Our Journey could never be the same without you. With tearful eyes and a thankful heart I say to you and your family. I LOVE YOU!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!

To: The River....As we come upon the 3rd year of our journey together. I would like to say. It has truly been an honor to be with you. If I did not mention your name above, it is not because you don't play a vital role in this community. It is only because I haven't yet had the chance to get to know you. Hopefully that will change soon. The River, you, this community. Has forever changed my life and I am always proud and honored to tell others about what we are doing here. I am pumped about the new year ahead. We have so many great things instore. You all have taught me to not give up and give in, even when things are really tough. As we move forward, Let us be newly motivated to live our vision statement. Let us Love others and give to others as Christ Jesus our Lord did and does. Let us Love Northwest Florida and the utter most parts of the World. Let us trully seek out the highest good of our brothers and sisters. Let us work even harder to be An Afflux of Authentic Life. So here's to 2 years, Pop open a glass of sparkling grape juice(cough cough), and lift your glasses high, a toast to what is to come. I Believe it will only get better! I Love You!

Daniel

"What would you do for a Klondi....I mean...Prison Bar?"

Yesterday a case against Freeman and Lay received national coverage and certainly dominated local news here on the Gulf Coast. It was quite the hullabaloo! I've read various local reports on the account and certainly have heard all the pablum ad nauseam.

I know that a 1000 local professing Christians came to "stand" by these two men. The outcome of no jail time was celebrated as a victory for the good guys. Perhaps. One thing I do know is, in today's complex world there is profoundly more than one way to look at this scenario. Should they have prayed? I don't know. It seems it would have been extremely legal to have a willing student pray (which it seems there was no shortage of volunteers). It definitely could be a case of pride (not that I know).

So the question that arises might be: For What would we be willing to go to jail? In the book of Acts some Apostles said "We must obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29 for reference junkies). But here the law was that the apostles couldn't preach- at all- anywhere. Not that they couldn't pray in a Governmental Institution. I don't think the Apostles, nor the other disciples thought of Peter and John as Heroes. And I don't believe they were sticking out their chests saying- YEAH! We won w/ the Chief Counselor- God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. They were living in a culture that was totally against Jesus, a culture that killed him.

I hope I would go to jail if the gov't said I couldn't preach, or pray at all. But telling me not to preach/pray as a Public school teacher, well if I rise up as a protester as that- it seems somewhat hypocritical for me to make a stance against a Muslim teacher promulgating their doctrine, or anyone for that matter- after all- we are all free.

I will gladly (I hope) suffer for our Lord Jesus Christ when it is that-suffering for him. But not b/c of my own glory in the disguise of Christian duty. But please hear me, I am not saying this is the motive of Freeman and Lay- I don't know. I haven't spoken w/ them nor could I read their hearts. But the many who have spoken up for them, seem to miss the point.

The Minute my Gov't says I can't follow Jesus, can't say his name- preach his message- I will disobey that Gov't. but when the Gov't that seeks unity above "Religion" and unity through true Kingdom Living (regardless of the motives of the citizens in a City/Country)- I will live peaceably w/ in it.

For what would you risk jail in the name of the Kingdom?

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sc

Fighting the Good Fight

Near the end of the Apostle Paul's life he penned these words to his faithful friend and student:
"For I am being poured out as a drink offering.......I have fought the good fight......I have kept the faith" (2 Timothy 4: parts of 6 and part of 7)-

some days, like yesterday and even this morning- I feel like I am being poured out as a drink offering/sacrifice. It's not fun being called a cult leader (which apparently I may have been called such). Friends who still apparently use jokes to take shot at revealing their true feelings towards me. Others express disappointment, while others just reject. teenage children act as such. insecurities flow freely. others speak of parting. not so neighborly conversations.

Days like this- i feel like Norm (from cheers)- "Its a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing milk-bone underwear". I "feel" like throwing in the towel this morning and verbally revealing my oft wicked heart.

Yet I believe Jesus, the one who enlisted me ,through a small cloud of witnesses who endured the same,- would have me fight the good fight.

Jude, our Lord's little bro wrote to contend for the faith, once delivered to all saints. And Paul wrote we should "speak the truth in Love". Surely this fighting, contending- is ultimately about love. So, fighting is not speaking out against those who harm, speak ill, and/or hate-whether intentionally or otherwise- but rather to fight w/ love. Fight by showing them love, by accepting these people-who are not the enemy. They, like me- have lost their way for a moment or two.

Jesus wants me to fight, not w/ a sword, but a cross.....My cross, by dying to self, decreasing, so that the Lord may increase.

honestly, this sucks initially- b/c i have to give up my right to be heard, to retaliate, to attack. All things I want to do. this is why I must pick up my cross. these are things that must be intentionally killed. These things don't want to die- So i must fight the GOOD fight. The Fight to contend for the faith- not against other people so much- but against my own evil desires.

So today, I labor to fight the good fight. Not because I believe at this moment it's good. But b/c choosing the path that seems most natural to me- only causes more pain, hell that I cannot bear. My motives suck, are selfish- but I do trust, nay HOPE- that Jesus will redeem my fight with His love- so that I can Love. So that i can love Him, His Kingdom, His righteousness, His People- and myself.

Anyone want to help me Fight the good fight? Cuz I'm sure to fail if I go it alone....

sc

Samantha's Farewell to Cancer

I have made it-August 2009 has come and gone. I am now considered cured, a "survivor." It has been seven years since you entered into my life. The physical scars are minimal at this point-lungs don't work so great, and memory still gives out occasionally, but in spite of everything, I am glad we met.

You changed me. I was super Christian-from the outside. My checklist of things I did for God was full (taught Sunday school, choir, Awana, nursery, visitation). I had it all covered, but you took that ability of Doing away. I was left with nothing-or so I thought. You gave me time to be still and quietly fall in love with my Creator. I developed an intimate relationship with a God that I love.

19 year old me promised to love Sam Crum through sickness, bad, poor-naively thinking these things would never happen to us. But you forced us to live those vows and we were made a stronger couple for it. To know that in this life I have been loved so passionately and authentically by my husband-quite a gift you gave me.

I watched my children as my mom moved in to take over my role. I love her for her immense sacrifice, but could not wait to be Victoria, Zach, and Luke's mom again. I relish my role in being here for them-the thought that that could be taken away still haunts me on occasion.

You were supposed to leave me infertile but God had other plans. Hosanna, Isabella, and baby Jude Rae needed to join our family. Precious angels, kissed by God that have brought unspeakable joy. All healthy, our miracles.

A lot of my acquaintances were scared out of my life because of you. But my true friends stepped up to encourage and support us in whatever way we needed. That is who I strive to be to those around me today.

I am whole, healed, free. You are gone, but I will not forget you because of how you changed my life. So thank you cancer for stopping by.

-Samantha

Messy.

“Find a friend and stay close and with a melting heart, tell them whatever you’re most ashamed of.”

Recently some of my good friends have been making confessions. They leak out a little at a time, partially dammed-up by the fear that they’ll lose something, telling me. The part of your self-image that’s derived from watching your reflection in other people’s eyes, maybe. Love. Privacy.

In Celebration of the Disciplines, one of my favorite chapters was on confession. I don’t know if all of these were Richard Foster’s main points, but some of the things I got out of it were that confession, while absolutely necessary to the soul, is a very intimate act, its own kind of communion, really. That the confessor needs to respect the sacredness of what’s said. That offering your story up is worship, a sacrifice. That each act of opening up, or making a request for help, is holy, and not something to be shared against the confessee’s wishes, and not something to sneer at, or back away from, or be disappointed by. Because it’s an act of prayer.

I’m not going to make any confessions here. For one thing I have a lot of trust issues, and a lot of fear. I think some of it may even be rational. I’m terrified of doing anything that would threaten my acceptance in a community, and that includes letting people know me really well.

And I know none of this is ground-breaking stuff, but I have the same trouble owning up to God. When I’m ashamed of something I’ve done, I tend to literally duck my head. I pretend God’s not with me, filling up the universe, and completely focused not only on holding it together, but also on me. I don’t want him to see me, because I’ve forgotten he loves me.

I was afraid, and so I hid.

I think hiding is probably more indicative of our distance from God than some of the other things we think of as sin, or falling short, or absolutely sucking at being human and made in his image, or however you want to define it. I think something that makes God really sad, regularly, is when we start ignoring him, or his people, because we can’t bear to look at his face.

I want to know what I’d find there if I did look up. Because I’m not going to get any better, looking away.

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine the other day, and I told her how when I was little, I always cried when I accidently broke a dish. I felt so bad about it every time, and I was telling her how each time my parents would try to comfort me and tell me it was okay.

“Didn’t they make you afraid?” she asked. I asked her what she meant.

“Some parents, when their kids break something, they get angry, they try to make them afraid to do it again.”

“No,” I said. Thinking, why would my parents have yelled at me? How would that have helped?

I’m not saying sin as the same thing as broken dishes, but I think God sees every causal connection. He knows everything that we know, and so much more, about why we’ve made the choices we’ve made. --What’s besetting us within. --What’s making war on us from the outside. Every fear and hurt we’re still suffering from (even the ones we’ve forgotten about). Every lie we’re still believing. And our God is saturated and fundamentally made out of love the same way a star is made out of hydrogen, helium, photons, plasma . . .(whatever stars are composed of). When I look away he doesn’t, and his expression doesn’t change. I can tell you these things, and want you to know they’re true, and at the same time, not believe them for myself.

When my friends are suffering and struggling, it breaks my heart. I hurt for them, and cry for them, and want to help, and want to make it different. But when they’re afraid to make their struggles known, that’s even more painful. I want to be worthy of their trust. I want to trust them back, and love them well enough to share my secrets, to be cleansed and healed by the act of confession. I think it’ll help me see God in a more accurate light, help me feel more certain that God knew what he was getting himself into, when he made us, that he knew all the messes of men (and women) we’d become. That he decided he’d prefer it this way, even though it wouldn’t be easy. That he likes us.

Can't we just all get along?

The healthcare debate continues to heat up, inside and outside of church communities. Personally, I am sick of the hatefulness on both sides. Having an opinion is fine, but expressing it with disdain toward the other party is not loving. Read what Brian McLaren has to say on this topic:

http://www.brianmclaren.net/archives/blog/an-open-letter-to-conservative-c.html

Always,
BK

The Flow of P P

Last night in our Gathering we began (or Re-visited) discussing Worship. Its unfortunate that the beauty of this biblical word-has been perverted by the Western (American primarily) church. Worship has been reduced to synthetic experience of self-adulation in many cases. We sing songs like "Its all about you Jesus......'I'll bring you more than a song'...cuz its all about you"- and yet we are bring to Jesus not just any song, but an overused song that attempts to highten our emotions so we feel good about the song we bring Jesus (or at least the god that we've nicknamed Jesus). You may ask how I know this...b/c I am among the guiltiest in doing such. And I'm in a hell of frustration.

N.T. Wright in Simply Christian gives this telling illustration: A good king makes water available to everyone. The state pumps in clean, drinkable, refreshing water into the homes of the citizens. And out of concern for health, dental hygene- some helpful chemicals are put into the water stream. Its good. Over years, this is all the citizens know. Then one day, some of the citizens are on a mountain, and a spring of water shoots up. Its so cool, refreshing, clear, unpluuted by chemicals (whether good or bad). Its so wild! So natural! Like this is how God intended for us to drink water. Its quite the experience.

What has been called "WORSHIP" for so long in the Western Modern Church, is like the plumbing system of chemically enhanced water. It was created as a good thing. But, somehow Worship was reduced to something it wasn't created to be. No more than could those of the Reformation "nail" church, doctrine, praxology, for all time-can the church of today "nail" worship (meaning the public gathering where creative and missional expressions of Praise are overflowing....eg Psalm 45, 96, 1 Peter 2:9, Mark 16:15 just a few to mull over!). Maybe the PP (or CE- Creative Expressions---Justin came up w/ this last night!) should be wild (not chaotic...1 Cor 14), untamed.

In the end, what we threw out last night was simply this: Worship is all of life in the Kingdom Community. So whatever we call- PP, CE, YM- it should flow from and back to Community. And if we immediately spring to talk about private, personal ways of worship, or personal preferences, then it appears we may have already missed the point, and the ship (as in fellow-ship...dorky I know!). Perhaps it would be wise of us to "take on this mind which was/is in Jesus the Christ/King, have the same love (wow-one love, one passion) and being in full accord and of one mind....Let each of us look not only (or primarily) to our own interests, but also to the interests of others. Yes! Have THIS mind among yourselves, which is yours in JESUS THE KING!...."

We have certainly not dialogued this out enough, but perhaps the immediate course is to UNITE w/ the SAME LOVE! Namely, for Jesus, His Kingdom, and our Local Community. Perhaps finding joy in each other and by blessing each other.

I love that some immediately start thinking of ideas to benefit the community. Last night, ADD Justin was spewing one idea after another to me. I love that. I know he won't be the one to bring these ideas about. But, what an encouragement. One idea was to have those of us who aren't the ones to play instruments and lead in singing- to pick some of the songs, some times. GREAT IDEA. That's Communal Thinking.

What other ideas do we have? How do we learn to Creatively Express our Story through music, testimony, visual art, drama, dance, poetry, and Hugging!

What will it take for us to start writing some of our own music/lyrics? (This is meant to dialogue, not give a one word/sentence answer e.g. "Commitment" etc).

Imagine w/ me, if you will: What if we let go of our egos for the sake of The Community, The River? What if we didn't make fun of honest attempts to creatively express our story. And what if we all committed ourselves to throw ourselves completely into not only our Creative Expression of our story in the Gathering,but in all of life-together.
I think we'd be emerging into the type of Community we dream of being.......An Afflux of Authentic life!

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sc

I'll Ring Your Doorbell Until You Let Me In, And I Can No Longer Tell Where "You" End And "I" Begin...

"On a cold december, just after dusk, as the sun bid its cordial goodbyes, we get split to pieces like an apple-seed husk to reveal the tree that's been hidden inside. We're a sapling caught in a tattered sirah at the seams from the shepherd's purse-belt. Broke the news to mom: we found a better Mom we call "G-d" (which she took quite well) what a beautiful G-d, what a beautiful G-d, what a beautiful G-d there must be! what a beautiful G-d, what a beautiful G-d, what a beautiful G-d there must be! what a beautiful G-d, what a beautiful G-d, what a beautiful G-d there must be! what a beautiful G-d, what a beautiful G-d, what a beautiful G-d You must be!"  

I have been known to be a pretty emotional person when it comes to art, mainly music and movies. I'm sure that a good number of friends who have attended concerts with me can remember looking over at me, at some point during the show, and seeing tears streaming down my face. Sometimes, it can be a bit embarrassing, because I'm usually with a group of guys who will call me on it, but never, by any means, am I ashamed to have that kind of connection with the performer on stage and their art. A year ago, I got the chance to see one of my favorite bands, mewithoutYou, for the first time. This was a sweet victory for me, because a month before that, I had travelled to New Orleans to see them and walked into the venue as they were walking off stage. So seeing them this time meant that much more. During their set, the band danced frivolously all around the stage as they are very well-known to do. Their audience sang, at the top of their lungs, lyrics, which I'm sure everyone in the room could connect to in one way or another. In the midst of all of this, was me. For an hour-and-a-half, I sang every word and cried my eyes out. There was a reason for this sort of emotion. I had never experienced worship like this before. It was a total release of energy and fear and emotion. I didn't care that anyone was watching, because God was there and he was seriously interacting with me.  

Fast-forward to a year later. 2 weeks ago today, to be exact. I got to experience the same thing in the same place, with some great friends. This time things were much more laid back for me. I was still singing every word. There were tears at a few points (mostly while singing the lyrics I typed out above). However, this time, I took the opportunity to observe what was going on around me. Not many, conservative Christians would walk into this place where alcohol is being pushed at all points and a loud band is playing on stage and think that this is a place where worship was taking place, but I could see it. Everywhere, there were people with closed eyes singing songs and gratefully lifting their hands to One worthy of worship. People were dancing like maniacs (on the floor), probably much akin to the way a scantily clad king would dance in the presence of such a good God. This was something I have never experienced in church, which is sad because it felt so incredibly real.  

There is something inside of us that makes us desire to sing, or paint, or write or build or fix or direct as a means of expressing our innermost being. I know that because I can feel it all the time. I'm a drummer and a writer, so I constantly desire to play music or get something down on paper, because I am inspired by something greater than me, I'm going to call it God.  

I want to spur discussion because this is a topic that is very important to me and I value my community's input. Why doesn't the "worship" I have come to know from church settings resemble or come close to the worship I experience in settings like above? When we play music or present art in Gatherings, should we consider everyone's tastes to keep everyone interested? How do we do that? Do you think that the problem lies in the musical genre or the tempo?  

Al dio sia la gloria, Amen, Amen. 

Jason.

James' Warning (Rich People Suck)

From James 5 (NLT):

1 Look here, you rich people: Weep and groan with anguish because of all the terrible troubles ahead of you. ²Your wealth is rotting away, and your fine clothes are moth-eaten rags. ³ Your gold and silver have become worthless. The very wealth you were counting on will eat away your flesh like fire. This treasure you have accumulated will stand as evidence against you on the day of judgment. ⁴ For listen! Hear the cries of the field workers whom you have cheated of their pay. The wages you held back cry out against you. The cries of those who harvest your fields have reached the ears of the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. ⁵ You have spent your years on earth in luxury, satisfying your every desire. You have fattened yourselves for the day of slaughter. ⁶ You have condemned and killed innocent people, who do not resist you.

James is just laying into rich people here, and at first read, I'm saying, "Yeah, get 'em, James!" ... And then I realize, "Oh...that's me." 

It's confession time, "andddddd go!" (said in my best Sam Crum voice)

I've never been a wealthy field owner, but I sure have squandered money away selfishly and stolen money God gave me to use for His purposes. I have spent my years on earth in virtual luxury, satisfying (nearly) all my desires. I'm selfish, selfish, selfish. I don't always realize this because I think to myself, "I worked for this money, so this money is mine." What I forget is that anything I get is simply what God is letting me borrow so that I can help others. I'm supposed to just be the money manager, keeping in mind what the Boss would want me to do with the money. Does a boss like for his managers to spend company money on themselves? Nope. I have to learn to keep this in mind when I am spending paychecks. 

When I think about money, all I see is TENSION. Do I have to provide shelter and food for myself and family? Yep, otherwise I would die. But when does providing food and shelter drift into the territory of selfishness? How much is too much? Do I need the biggest and nicest house? Do I need to eat filet mignon? Money scares me because I trust it too much. It very easily becomes a god to me. I trust it completely, and I'm scared when I don't have it. I haven't ever had a lot of money, but I sure love to hold onto what I have. 

I just have to remember that it's not my money. 

Have I killed innocent people with a weapon in hand? No. But I have bought a dress instead of supporting a missionary. I have spent embarrassing amounts of money on restaurant food out of laziness and selfishness instead of trying to get out of debt so I can honor God in the way I manage His money. I have gone to the movies instead of helping out people that could use my help financially. I have bought expensive makeup just because I'm vain instead of being hospitable. So, really, my selfishness may have caused someone to not have food or medical attention that my money could have provided, had I stopped and thought about what's really important. 

Help me, River. Help me learn to treat the money I am entrusted with wisely. Help me make godly choices with what I have. God, rescue me from myself. 

We Keep Our Confessions Long And When We Pray, We Keep It Short...

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:1-10) I have 3 cousins, the youngest of which is 6. Anytime we have a large family meal or holiday, being from a large Southern Baptist family, we gather everyone together and ask God to bless our family, friends, and food. Every single time that we go to say this blessing, my youngest cousin volunteers to pray on our behalf. It always goes something like this: "God our father (God our father) once again (once again) thank you for your blessings (thank you for your blessings), Amen (Amen)." Obviously, at his age it's more of a game or a desire for attention. He probably doesn't really much of a desire to truly understand God or understand the blessings he has received from him. Just tossing words to the sky. Now, I'm not saying this to mock my 6-year-old cousin, because, honestly, he's as cute as can be and he is well on his way to breaking some hearts (with some Godly instruction). I put that out there because a good portion of the times when I pray, I am putting about the same amount of heart into it. I will go through entire days without thinking about talking to God so, out of guilt, I will toss some words to the sky. I will feel convicted about something, and, out of guilt, I will toss some words to the sky. I will get into my car or pull up at work and realize that the day is about to be crappy, so, out of horrible selfishness, I will toss some words to the sky. It's awful. I give my Restorer less time, in a normal week, than I do my Mom, or Daniel, or Death Cab For Cutie, or Evan Williams, or J. R. Reynolds, or Tony Hawk, or Wes Anderson. The majority of these people have done nothing to help me (other than the gift of distraction). I'm getting off track a bit, the point is, I usually only really, really, honestly pray when my ass is on the line or my interests are being tampered with. I pray out of my own selfish desires. This is the majority of the time. It's not like I will never pray for other people or for people groups, but I have never really set out to make prayer a communal thing. Honestly, that seems to have to be the point of prayer. If we are to lift each other up and bear each other's burdens, then surely when we pray, we should ask for the uplifting and constant refreshing of the Kingdom community. This is where the Heart of God lives, His children seeking His desires and seeking the best for everyone around them. Moreover, it would seem that this sort of prayer would require some sort of action on our part. As Sam has brought up many times over the past few weeks, we cannot simply tell someone in need that we will pray for them and to be on their way with God's Blessings. We must be sure that to the best of our abilities, their needs are met. Does this mean that we overlook our own needs? Possibly, the Son Of Man had no place to lay his head. I'm not saying to neglect the body or beat it into submission, I am suggesting that we constantly put other's need above our own. You know, whenever my cousin sings that prayer before our family meals, his dad never looks at him with disdain or anger. He never calls him a moron or tells him to go to his room. He looks at him with a loving smile, and says, "Good job, Buddy." I'm sure that I have reached a point of spiritual maturity, where I shouldn't be getting a "good job, Buddy" from God, but I hope that when I pray, there is a patient smile on the face of God and the understanding that I might catch on...someday. I

Things People Do With Their Tongues. Or, What's It Like to be the Only Somebody In the Room?

So tagging on to things Samantha has already said, and Sam has said, too -- words create, words can be salvation, and words can totally break a person. Sometimes (& I have been guilty of this myself, hence my mentioning it), in addition to the good, beautiful, bad, or dumbass (can you say dumbass in a church blog? Edit me if 'no.') things Christians say, it's been observed that we can commit sins of omission by what we don't mention. Today I'm not just thinking of kind words, compliments and well-deserved praises left to die in our mouths (although we can't know in advance what a huge validation some seemingly small, back-patting kindness can be). I'm thinking about the times when we don't use our mouths to stand up for the oppressed. And I'm wondering if, maybe inadvertently, some of us don't do it because we're nominally on the oppressor's side.

This may not apply to anybody else, this may only apply to me, and if so, great, I have something to work on. But I noticed last night that I haven't been letting certain things bother me as much as I should. I was reading about a radio broadcast that went out May 28th in California -- a bunch of morning show hosts (& if you've ever listened to a morning show, you know how obscene and gossipy morning shows can be) were having some sort of right-wing red-blooded American-male moment (for, like, 30 minutes) and started bashing children who struggle with gender

dysphoria, including, no joke, suggesting that a good way to cure kids with transgender identities/issues would be to beat them with shoes, or give them electroshock therapy. They went on, you know, calling these kids freaks, saying ruder things, and their stated, baseline justification for being so awful was that of moral superiority, that they could unleash all the hate and verbal corruption they wanted because their views on gender and sexuality were the correct ones, the good ones.

Now, I don't know that these talk-show hosts are professing Christians (I hope not); and, with the exception of people like the God Hates Fags guy, I hope most people who take their relationship with Jesus seriously would never act that way. But one thing that article made me realize is that I don't remember the last time I did anything about

people who did act like that, the last time I spoke out about it, did any letter-writing or public awareness deals or anything like that. I forgot that people were still being murdered and committing suicide because of the horrifying level of self-righteous disgust and rejection aimed at their take on sexuality and/or gender identity, and I honestly put the awareness that kids and adults who fall under the queer/GLBT umbrella need defense into a little box in my head. And I think one reason why is that once I became a Christian, and became convinced that gay and transgendered lifestyles weren't God's best plan for people, the GLBT community became a group of people that needed to be convinced that I was right, more than anything else. Loved, sure -- but loved with an armchair philosopher's non-involvement.

What was once a very vivid awareness, on my part, of the moral hate-crimes being committed daily against these precious (and vulnerable) members of our society faded and pretty much died once I became a Christian, because their ideas didn't line up with mine anymore. After reading about that radio broadcast, and thinking about the incalculable hurt that must have caused some people who heard it, or heard about it, thinking about people that I know that would have been hurt by that, I'm just wondering how often we don't speak out for those people, because of a sense of moral superiority. And I'd welcome your thoughts.

"That's What He Said"-Affluxual Tongues

"If any person thinks they are religious (Christian/Follower of Jesus) and does not bridle/keep in check their tongue, they deceive themselves and their religion is worthless.............with the tongue we bless God and curse people who are made in the image of God.....from this same mouth both blessing and cursing-this, just should not be" James 1:26, 3:9-10.

"Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into The Christ (Jesus)" Ephesians 4:15

I learned a Kingdom living lesson years ago as a youth pastor. Being sound in fundamental evangelicalism- I was grounded in "the truth" (as I/we saw it). It didn't matter what I thought, or you thought, or anyone thought- all that mattered was what God says in His Word- the Bible. The B-I-B-L-E, yes that's the book for me, I stand alone on the word of God, the B-I-B-L-E! this is all I knew. In my love for this Truth (as I saw it)- I wasn't concerned for what others thought. (I know that the truth- was interpreted, which is why I keep saying- as I/we saw it). As a youth Pastor the youth would often begin discussion with the phrase- "I think....." to which I would respond- "I don't care what you think" (please hear this out. I know it's tempting for some to be quick to "Speak" before they hear the whole matter...)- I thought it was "cute", "Funny"! As best I can remember, my heart was pure in motive. I didn't hate those kids- I loved them as much as I could at that time. Samantha and I gave our own souls for those kids. So, that statement didn't come from my heart (relatively speaking- I/we am/are far from perfect and certainly are not complete in our love. I just meant to communicate that we gave our lives as much as we could through Jesus). They were in our apartment all the time. We went to just about every sports games, drama event, presentation, recital, concert-we had opened our entire lives to this group of teens.

One day two girls had come to me after a gathering to share their struggles in life. They, like many teens felt unloved in the world by everyone-their peers, their teachers, their parents. I asked them- You know Samantha and I love you though, right? They said- you don't care about us. I was dumbfounded-speechless. I just sat there thinking of all that we had done specifically for these two girls. I had watched countless 8th grade girls basketball games. Dealt with the other girls crazy mom-on numerous accounts-b/c I loved them, we loved them. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I asked them- why do you think I don't care? They responded- "because you say all the time-'I don't care what you think. I don't care".

What they heard was- Sam doesn't care! Sam doesn't care what I think, about me, my dreams, my struggles. This was devastating to me. I didn't even know what to say to them. I remember I just kept apologizing through my tears and crackling voice. (I still speak to one of these girls frequently thanks to FB and MS as well as several from that youth group)- It was a PROFOUND day for me. My heart was broken that day. In my love for TRUTH (as I saw it)- I didn't consider how I was heard. I didn't consider- what message is being communicated (I've come along way from the thinking I had then, but the Lesson is still applicable for this story/experience)-

I thought I was promoting a message of TRUTH. And what was heard was a message of hate. What's more important? the message? Love? or is there a third option (0r even more than 3)?
Perhaps the path is that the message is Love! Love is the Truth! Not love w/o morals, boundaries, rules, etc, but Love is the Truth, Love is the Gospel!

Paul exhorts us to speak the truth lovingly, because Truth spoken (whether it is truth as I saw it, or Truth as I attempt to understand and embrace)-without love- is not Truth. If I say God loves you, but I say it angrily, I am not really communicating that God is loving, but rather a selfish self pleaser who is pissed off at everyone. Speaking lovingly is soooo deep, so wide that it can't be figured out, it can't be contrived into formulas. It's about tone, but more than tone. It's about words, but more than words. Its about facial expressions, but more than facial expressions. Its about all this, and infinitely more. Speaking the truth lovingly is to actually speak the truth. And to speak it hatefully, indifferently, carelessly- is to Lie, speak falsehood (this isn't meant to say that we are more powerful than Truth...e.g. that God can't overcome our failures. )

The Kingdom Community, the church is the Incarnation of Jesus through the Spirit to the world today. We are Jesus in some mysterious way, for the world today. If we speak unlovingly to those we see as enemies (a subtle reminder of Eph. 6:12 "we do not fight against flesh and blood"), those we fear, we don't understand, those we are disgusted by (all these show how we don't value the image of God in people)- we deny the truth.

This doesn't mean that we can never say we disagree with the life someone lives. Jesus, the apostles, the prophets, the church historically (both in good ways and bad ways) have spoken about changing from the path of hell and death to heaven and life. (Which is the Gospel Truth we are to speak ). But our speaking must not be in hateful propositions. It must be in a loving tongue that seeks the highest good of the other. But, that message won't be heart if it's latticed with hate.

Youth won't feel loved if we speak of them disrespectfully. Homosexuals won't hear the message if it is saturated with slurs (like Flamers, Queers etc) of hatred. African American Community won't hear love through confederate flags and cultural expressions flowing from historical hate. Poor people won't hear the gospel through messages about laziness. The sexually promiscuous won't hear if we speak judgmentally. And all these are made in the image of God.

Whatever message we ascribe to Jesus (and it appears there are many disagreements on this)- He spoke the message lovingly. He didn't call the woman caught in adultery a whore. He didn't call the demon possessed man (who some argue was gay) a flaming fudge packer. He didn't call the woman at the well a desperate housewife. He didn't call Peter a impetuous fool, or Judas a backstabbing jerk. He spoke with the utmost of love. Whatever holiness he spoke of it, it was one of communal love (Matthew 5:43-48) for all people. Whatever highest good he sought of others, it was a message of loving God, loving self correctly, loving others- and this message of love was speaking lovingly.

I fall way short of this. I certainly don't write as one who has arrived. I write this as one who is in a community that is for so many in NW Florida a shining light in the loneliness of darkness, as seasoned salt in a mundane world- and what NW Florida and the uttermost parts of the world needs (including ourselves) is a Community wholly committed to living out the beautiful, loving Reality of Jesus. It's a tall glass of fresh water for a myriad of people who have been drinking bitter, dirty water and others who have been drinking chemical laced water of Western church. But, we often allow the bitter, dirty water of our still messed up lives seep in-to our own despair and continual ruin of the world.

Friends, brothers and sisters- Our mission is urgent. We can laugh and make fun- but what God has brought us together to be and do-is so critical. We must BRIDLE our tongues.

I love you all- "That's what HE (Jesus) said"! I love you all, which is hard to hear through my own untamed hate-filled tongue.

May we "stir to love and good works, & WORDS" as we see the day of Jesus approaching!

Aspiring, Dreaming, of being An Afflux of Authentic Life with you all-
sc

Tip of the Tongue

Last night at The Riv we examined James 3:3-12 together. To summarize the talk succinctly: "Life and Death are in the power of the tongue".

The tongue is a funny organ (I don't know if it is actually an organ, but it has made some sweet music)! We use it in our speech. It makes distinct sounds in our communications. In addition it is how we taste things....

A few weeks ago I was eating a flavored polish dog- apple Gouda to be exact-. It was very tasty. Bella (my funny little two year old girl) said- "Can I have a taste"? Interesting phrasing I thought. I said- "I don't think you'll like it"......"I will, I will, I will daddy" came her response. So I handed her the bun enshrined dog and she opened her cute little mouth widely! She bit into the apple Gouda brat-initially w/ a look of "See, I DO LIKE IT DADDY" on her face. Gradually, her expression changed. Now her face was communication a look of- "Eww, this is gross!". Suddenly, w/o warning, she opened her mouth and let the Glorious brat fall to the ground. She brushed her tongue like it was on fire, reaching for my mountain dew! As she took in the Tongue Rescuing Dew, she didn't swallow- rather she allowed for the Dew to wash away the bitter taste from her not yet developed taste buds. With a serious look on her face she retorted back to me- "Daddy, you were right (words I seldom here from the women in my life!)- I didn't like it. It taste like CRAP!" As much as I enjoy that brat- I hate that my Bells had to endure such hostility from the not so (to her) delicious brat.

James in his ORTH-BRO-PRAXY, equates the tongue to both the source which produces bitter tastes, and to the way our words/actions are tasted by others. Our tongues not only are the source of Death and Life when we speak, but also how we hear/taste. Which gives refreshing insight to the proverbial statement- "I left with a bad taste in my mouth".

Obviously James doesn't want us to figure out a formula in which we speak robotically to others or like a machine sit quietly w/o response to the words of others. I think of a church I attended as a youth where in order to "be thankful for all things" we were taught to say "Thank you Jesus" after everything, especially the bad things that happen. Somehow-that doesn't seem to create a heart of gratitude, and often it was said in sarcasm or anger. Programmed Speech, well that is the actual, Spurious Religion that James is counseling us not to partake of.

As we look ahead to our Talk on James 3:13-18 this coming week- it is clear there is tension in how we choose to live in regards to our tongues. There is much Ortho-Paradoxy! Right Paradox or Right Tension. Tension is good, not bad.

So how do we discipline our tongues without become Robotic or Contrived?

Last week I read over Jonathon Edwards resolutions (70 of them). Although many may be irrelevant for us in today's world or out of our paradigm, there is much wisdom in his heart for Being the People (person) of God and seeking Kingdom Community. Perhaps we need our own Communal Resolutions concerning the tongue. A couple of J.E.'s resolutions probably would be wise for us to adopt, and refresh as our own communal resolutions:

8. Resolved, to act, in all respects, both speaking and doing, as if nobody had been so vile as I, and as if I had committed the same sins, or had the same infirmities or failings as others; and that I will let the knowledge of their failings promote nothing but shame in myself, and prove only an occasion of my confessing my own sins and misery to God.

16. Resolved, never to speak evil of anyone, so that it shall tend to his dishonor, more or less, upon no account except for some real good.

31. Resolved, never to say any thing at all against any body, but when it is perfectly agreeable to the highest degree of Christian honor, and of love to mankind, agreeable to the lowest humility, and sense of my own faults and failings, and agreeable to the golden rule; often, when I have said anything against anyone, to bring it to, and try it strictly by the test of this Resolution.

36. Resolved, never to speak evil of any, except I have some particular good call for it

58. Resolved, not only to refrain from an air of dislike, fretfulness, and anger in conversation, but to exhibit an air of love, cheerfulness and benignity. May 27, and July 13, 1723.

70. Let there be something of benevolence, in all that I speak. August 17, 1723.

Life and Death are in the power of the Tongue! All the more we should endeavor to TAME it, together. Like our Lord, and his big brother- James is writing to a Kingdom Community. There is no way we can anything alone (John 15:5 & Psalm 16:2-3..........which Beth K beautifully expounded last Friday), apart from Jesus, who is best experienced in the life of Kingdom Community.

What do we think of these resolutions? How can we rewrite them into our language (as The Riv)? What needs to be added? how do we "stimulate one another to love and good works" especially the works of the tongue? Or maybe, some of us just need to confess to one another here on this blog (don't worry about who sees this....it's not that many people!).

Let's talk this out. Some of our creative writing people- how about writing a resolution or two or rewriting Jonathon Edwards resolutions-.

"Aspiring to be An Afflux of Authentic life (w/ our tongues)" together,

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sc